I Wish I Knew: How artists are coping in self-isolation
Nemuna Ceesay | April 16, 2020
As I type this, it is my 28th day in self-isolation. I’m a mess and a half to say the least. This is such a crazy experience for me because I’ve always thought that I am a self-starter, that I am “stable” mental health-wise, and that I am really positive and relaxed…this is proving to be all hype. I’m learning a lot about myself though! Things I’m learning:
- I use “being busy” as a way to not deal with my issues
- My brain is capable of having panic attacks
- Even though I have a lot of projects I could do, when I am struggling, I just don’t do them
- I am bad at being stuck in one place
- Sometimes I cry and I don’t know why
- When the industry shuts down, I have no creative outlet
I’m working on these things, BUT, it’s not all bad. There are some good things that are coming out of this for me as well, and I want to touch on some of those. Here’s some gratitude:
- I have really amazing friends and family that care about me and my well-being and forgive me when I go MIA
- I have side jobs that can sustain me in times when there’s no other work
- I started my meditation journey way before all of this, so I already have skills that are helping me cope
- I started therapy last year, so I have an amazing therapist available (virtually) when I need her
- I am a better cook than I remember being. And my baking skills are improving
- I have a partner and a cat to keep me company
- Television is so good
- I am healthy
During the ups and downs of my mood swings, I’ve become really curious about what other artists are doing to get through this. I’ve been wondering: do other people feel as crazy as I do?? Since I’m doing nothing, I thought I’d reach out to some artists I know, who you know too!
If you’ve been following along with I Wish I Knew, their names and faces will be familiar to you. Since I’ve already given you a glimpse into what their lives are like outside of quarantine, you’ll have a sense of how things have changed. I find their answers so comforting and a lot of great ideas to try when I’m feeling off. I hope they help you too.
Here we go!
I started with our very first interviewee, actress Stefanée Martin!
Q: How are you filling your days?
Firstly, I take the pressure off of myself to "fill" my days. It's OK that they are not "filled". I'm really taking this time to sleep more, to wonder and wander more, to be led by my deepest internal desires. Those desires range from listening to an audiobook for hours while lounging on the couch (currently These Ghosts are Family by Maisy Card), to making homemade pesto, to taking a long, luxurious walk with my husband (without time limits or distance restrictions), to learning about what a "concept wardrobe" is with the help of Pinterest. I'm really just giving myself space and time to explore and be led by something other than "productivity" and "time".
Q: How are you staying creative?
I started producing my husband's podcast last year (it was a soft launch and actually more exploratory than anything) and in working on that I found a new canvas for my own creative expression via sound editing, photography, video media, and graphic design. I am by no means a professional in any of these areas, but I think that's what makes them fun for me. I'm simply learning and expressing. Preparing for a legit Season One launch this summer has been highly creative for me. Learning is a major source of being creative for me as well. Some of the books I'm reading and podcasts I'm listening to as learning tools are about film-making (Alternative Scriptwriting by Ken Dancyger, Jeff Rush), astrology (The Essential Guide to Practical Astrology by April Elliott Kent), and history (Throughline by NPR, Revisionist History by Malcolm Gladwell, and Dolly Parton's America by Jad Abumrad).
Q: How are you taking care of your body and your mind?
Similar to question one - I'm not shaming myself if there is a day, an hour, a moment when I don't feel "great". It's OK not to feel great or up to battling through the global paradigm shift that is happening. It's OK not to fight. It's OK not to "do". I'm still observing my meditation practice, yoga, and long walks/runs (although I miss my distraction-less treadmill time!). Consciously eating and consciously resting have been top priorities as well. Mentally, I continue to go back to the resources I've been using for a while now: writing, astrology (especially via the New Story podcast with Rebecca Conran), moon cycle rituals, affirmations, and taking time away from screens. Also, there are a LOT of resources out there right now--from virtual Reiki sessions, to articles on how to manage WFH, to curated playlists, to unions offering help, to companies and organizations fundraising for aid, to local resource guides, to YouTube videos showing you how to buy groceries now--and the list goes on and on. As crazy as it sounds, I've tried to limit my intake of resources and be specific about the organizations/companies I'm choosing to support to help others. Otherwise, for me, it's too much mental overload. For example, if I have an Instagram account I go to for affirmations that really resonate with me, I don't need to follow five of these same kinds of accounts. You get my gist lol.
Q: What is the first thing you want to do when this is all over?
I think it will be a long while before we all feel like this is over BUT...go on a hike in the middle of the day on a Sunday! Get a glass of wine and yucca fries at my favorite DTLA restaurant! Pop into the grocery store to just grab one or two items (most likely dark chocolate and ginger beer)!
Next, we have Artistic Director of Shakespeare in Detroit, Sam White.
Q: How are you filling your days?
I am filling my days by working out a lot. I do yoga every day and I do a lot of workouts with my 30lb kettlebell. I love KB swings, shoulder presses, and squats. They make me sweat and forget about everything else. I'm too busy trying to balance and breathe to be stressed. I have chronic anxiety so I am pretty aware of how traumatic this quarantine can be if I don't take intentional steps to fight it. For me, exercise is the answer to keeping my emotions in check. I also read a lot. I just finished Marie Forleo's Everything Is Figureoutable and I am a life-time member of her B-School program so I am re-doing the course to find new strategies to move forward with the theatre company I started, Shakespeare in Detroit. I'm also reading a couple of plays that folks sent to me that I never had time to read before. When I am not doing those things, I am caring for both of my parents at this time. They are both pretty ill, so I am doing my best to be a good caretaker. It's important I maintain my sanity so I can be healthy for two people who really depend on me.
Q: How are you staying creative?
I am staying creative by journaling more and, instead of my typical "to-do list", I now have a desire list in my journal. Every day I write down things I desire to have in the future. I desire to learn a new language. I desire to compete in a fitness competition. I desire to fall in love. I desire to learn how to become a better baker. I desire to go to South Africa. I feel like these sorts of lists have restored my creativity to a degree because they don't carry the weight of my "to-do list": pay my car insurance, go grocery shopping, do payroll, finish the budget for this project. Do you see what I mean? I never get a chance to think about what I want because I am so focused on what I need to do to survive. It's nice to think beyond those things. And I can't wait to see what I create when this is over since I have had the opportunity to remind myself that I actually have desires and I am not a machine, or what I call "Robo-Sam." Ha!
Q: What is bringing you hope?
I think the idea of returning to the rehearsal room is giving me hope. I lost a directing gig--I also freelance direct--due to the virus. I was pretty broken up about it for a day or so, but then I remembered that theatre will survive. It always has and it always will. And there are so many stories that need to be told, especially after all of this is over, and I'm looking forward to doing my part.
Q: What is the first thing you want to do when this is all over?
I want to get back to my students. I teach theatre part-time. I am currently looking at summer programming to supplement the time we lost this academic year with our middle and high school students at Shakespeare in Detroit. We started a program called Shakespeare STEAM which teaches the Science of lighting, the Technology of sound design, the Engineering of a form or costume, the Art of classical performance and the Mathematics of building a set. So we are going to introduce a conservatory for teens in Detroit where they can incubate and learn from qualified theatre professionals about the technical and artistic aspects of the work we do. I'm looking forward to piloting this portion of the program. We've already impacted 700 students in just this current school year alone through our work in classrooms, and it's going to be quite inspiring to be able to spend more time with them and make an even more positive creative impact.
Third, some short and sweet advice from Casting Director extraordinaire, Cathy Reinking.
Q: How are you filling your days?
Creative writing projects, 4 separate ZOOM meetups per week (2 paying classes, 2 freebies), resting, contemplating my creative life moving forward, trying to stay calm, watching PBS Newshour, listening to NPR, cooking a lot of meals, taking walks, thoughtfulness, and reconnecting with folks I've lost contact with.
Q: How are you staying creative?
Journaling, starting a new screenplay, blogging, and continuing to help others create their own content.
Q: What is bringing you hope?
Listening to A LOT of musical theater (In the Heights, Waitress, Hamilton, The Band's Visit, The Light in the Piazza, Dear Evan Hansen)...so many great shows!
Q: How are you taking care of your body and your mind?
Being acutely mindful. In the quiet. With a lot less noise, I can finally really listen to myself.
Q: What is the first thing you want to do when this is all over?
SEE A PLAY/MUSICAL LIVE! I pray to GOD that the new production of Classic Stage Company's Assassins will be rescheduled. And Company with Katrina Lenk as 'Bobby.' I miss live theater deeply. It is my go-to place for everything.
Next up, actor and swing Christopher Henry Young.
Q: How are you staying creative?
I’m using this time to dive into some hobbies and skills I’ve always wanted to try but didn't have time to do. Learning the piano, working on my sight-reading and vocal technique, creating content for a YouTube/podcast channel. These are all things I’ve wanted to do but rarely have large amounts of time or consistent time blocks to do.
Q: What is bringing you hope?
The fact that the teenagers of the world who are living through this are being so vocal about the politics of it brings me hope that the next generation of lawmakers, politicians, health professionals and business people will do better, will know more, and will have a different collective mindset. It gives me hope that, when the new wave of career professionals take their place, we may be able to create a better environment for us all to exist.
Q: How are you taking care of your body and your mind?
Having open conversations and spending quality time that I wouldn’t have otherwise with my fiancé has truly kept me centered and engaged during this. My fiancé works a 9 to 5, so we are usually ships passing in the night during the week outside of our date nights a few times a month. I’ve been connecting with friends across the country for very in-depth conversations and venting sessions about the state of the world right now…it’s helpful to feel connected and close to something. Also, creating a daily routine has helped me feel a sense of normalcy and motivation to get out of bed in the morning.
Q: What is the first thing you want to do when this is all over?
Spend as much time I can with my close group of friends. I underestimated how much I rely on spending time with those I love to help me feel grounded and loved.
Now for a little Franzi! Franzesca Mayer, Designer and Wardrobe technician.
Q: How are you filling your days?
I am going through my fabric stock and vintage pattern collection and trying to stay as productive as possible. So far, I've made a button-down shirt, a blouse, a pair of trousers and a cocktail dress.
Q: What is bringing you hope?
It's honestly really difficult for me to stay hopeful these days. What with being laid off with no end in sight, it's hard to look at my life choices and be proud. I am currently staying with, and taking care of my parents, who are both over 65. Seeing them plan trips for the future and just be happy that I'm around makes me more grateful for the present moment.
Q: How are you taking care of your body and your mind?
I am learning French on Duolingo and 3-5 doing Fitness Marshall dance videos every day. My favorite dance to do is "I Feel It Still", but I'm currently learning "Stupid Love" and it's kicking my butt.
Q: What is the first thing you want to do when this is all over?
I am looking forward to being back in the performance space doing what I love backstage. This pandemic has revealed just how much fulfillment I get from my job. I can't wait to hug all my co-workers (with enthusiastic consent).
Actress Caitlan Taylor was so generous with her honesty and vulnerability. Thank you, Caitlan, for sharing.
Q: How are you filling your days?
Well, my mother-in-law passed last Wednesday (3/25) due to tumors in the brain. She had battled with breast cancer for the last 5 years and had seemed quite stable for the last 2... but then 3 days before the Illinois shutdown order was issued, she was consumed by a massive migraine and vomiting and so was rushed to the hospital. My husband and I decided to hop in the car and drive all the way up to Duluth, MN to be with his father and sisters. Due to COVID-19 safety measures, no one but her husband was allowed in the room--and he, for only an hour or so a day. When she took a turn for the worse, the compassionate oncologist and nurses decided to allow my husband and his two sisters to join their father in the room to say goodbye. They all came home, and we've been stuck in the house ever since. There will be no funeral... perhaps a Celebration of Life at some point in the distant future.
As you can imagine, I fill each day trying to stay busy. In the beginning, it was things as simple as cooking dinner and cleaning for the family so they didn't have to think about it; for the past several days it's been going through the house and helping sort what will be tossed/recycled or given to Goodwill (one day). On and off I try to get out for daily walks or, when it's too snowy, do a 30-minute online Pilates video. My will and motivation have been quite low, to be honest... I wish I could say that I was attacking each day with a fiery "Carpe Diem" spirit, but the truth is that I am mainly trying to flow from one moment to the next and not let myself sink into existential and despairing thoughts.
Q: How are you staying creative?
I'm probably not being creative enough... and on my walks, I've actually contemplated my resistance to this a bit. To enter a creative space, to me, is to also step into the present moment. To allow hope and vulnerability to occupy space, to allow myself to feel joy and play. I haven't gotten there yet...to step into this present moment also means allowing myself to feel all the pain, loss and fear. Perhaps it's moments like these that test our commitment to art and question what our intentions for making art are. Is it still art if no one sees it? Is this posted video or picture meant to serve others or do I just want to be validated? What's the role and function of art at times like these and how does one hold on to that purity of intent in a business that can be inherently superficial and profit-focused? Am I contributing to society's progress to the best of my ability?
Q: What is bringing you hope?
Children bring me hope. Our niece and nephews came up to Duluth to be with their mother (my sister-in-law) after her mom passed away. They were sad but also quick to laugh and scream and run around the house playing silly games. My niece talked to me extensively about a girl who was being mean to her at school (before all their classes went online), my youngest nephew spent hours playing and talking to his Beanie Baby monkey named Mooch who had a ladybug outfit that he could be dressed in, we all chatted about our favorite Harry Potter book (I'm deemed a cool Aunt because I've actually read them all and seen the movies), and I became their hero when I uploaded my Disney+ account onto the television. For them, the world is still so full of possibility and hope and they are consumed with curiosity and eagerness. They feel like their whole lives are ahead of them and their biggest conundrums most days are what type of food they're going to get for dinner.
Younger people rip me out of my own emotional place and show me (or remind me) of other ways to look at things. We only get one life... what's the use of gripping on to worry and trying to fully control the outcome of things?
Q: How are you taking care of your body and your mind?
This is always huge for me--I've known for years, and it's reinforced to me time and time again, that if I take care of my body, my mind and heart benefit. This is so, so hard sometimes. It's easy to sit curled up on a couch or bed with my knees tucked in close to my chest and a blanket over me--and when my cats want to come in and cuddle, forget about it! When I'm sad and in pain, I want nothing more than to be numb and be distracted for several hours by the Tiger King show on Netflix or a Marvel movie. Some days, I simply fail at getting my ass into my living room to do some goddamn yoga or planks.
But every single time I do manage it, I immediately feel the cortisol burning off and I feel relief at breathing more deeply. I feel the release of endorphins and always wonder why it's so hard to get started. Once I'm working out, it feels great and I always feel better afterward. I guess my trick lately has been persuading myself to do SOMETHING at least every other day; I'd like to get to daily, but I'm being kind and trying to work with achievable goals. I try to focus on the positives and curb my mind when it wants to criticize. Right now, "baby steps" seems to be my motto.
York Walker (actor, writer and one of my besties), shares his thoughts.
Q: How are you filling your days?
Right now I’ve been trying to stay busy by creating a list of tasks that I have to accomplish every day. I use the Streaks app to keep track of my 6 tasks. It helps me to wake up with some semblance of productivity when I just want to watch Tiger King all day. (By the way, Tiger King is a blessing, watch it on Netflix if you haven’t seen it yet!)
Q: How are you staying creative?
I’m staying creative by working on those projects I’ve been putting off for months. I have a pilot and a new play that I’ve given myself deadlines for. I’ve also been reading and giving feedback on other people’s scripts. Analyzing other work has actually helped me learn a lot about my own.
Q: What is bringing you hope?
What gives me hope is staying connected to the people I love via FaceTime or Zoom. I think this moment has really made me appreciate the little things I’ve taken for granted. So, I try to stay connected and check in with family and friends and that keeps me encouraged. It helps to know that we’re all in this together and that we will get through this if we uplift and create space for each other.
Q: How are you taking care of your body and your mind?
I’ve been doing yoga and other workouts on YouTube. I did one the other day that had me laid out on the floor questioning all my life decisions. It made me realize how out of shape you can get when you’re not walking around the city every day. I’m questioning if I can reach my get thick by July 4th weekend goal without the gym, but I’m trying. I also try to take a walk outside at least once per week. That has been really helpful too.
Our most recent interviewee, Amanda Sager, shares what she’s been doing as I.A.T.S.E. Local 154 president and how she’s coming down from all the stress.
Q: How are you filling your days?
This past week and a half I have been in full "union president mode". I've been in communication with 154 membership, keeping up with all the stimulus packages, researching resources to help get working people access to funds, working with organizations to provide assistance for unemployment, bargaining the terms/conditions of Oregon Shakespeare Festival's layoff and eventual employment renewal of run crew members, and of course drinking a lot of wine.
Q: How are you staying creative?
Honestly, the creativity took a back seat due to the workload that erupted when our employers shuttered. Our industry has changed--we've been laid off and can't find another theatre gig in another city. The amount of work that goes into supporting a pro-entertainment/gig worker legislation is not too creative, it's more aggressively passionate.
Q: What is bringing you hope?
As cheesy as it is, all the Zoom hangouts! I need to see my people's faces, it's grounding and necessary.
Q: What is the first thing you want to do when this is all over?
Eat pizza and drink beer in public with my friends at less than 6 feet distance.
Intimacy Director Sarah Lozoff has some great things to say about self-care (and being a mom during this).
Q: How are you filling your days?
Catching up on much-needed sleep in the mornings, with zero shame about it. Taking my time with everything from having coffee or a snack, to taking a long bath or shower. I was in such a hyper-busy state before all this started that now I'm really just slowing everything way, way down.
Q: How are you staying creative?
I think the way I do this most naturally is in brainstorming solutions and activities for my kids during this time. I don't mean managing their schedules, but really trying to observe where they're at and what could be helpful...yes, even if it involves more screen time.
Q: What is bringing you hope?
How we are taking care of each other. All of us. I'm brought close to tears on a daily basis witnessing (online) the generosity, creativity and connections between strangers. The mask making, the donations, the offerings, the online classes, performances and tours, the sidewalk art and neighborhood bear hunts...and have you seen the cast of Hamilton singing to a 9-year-old that none of them know? I have been completely awestruck by the outpourings of love and humanity.
Q: How are you taking care of your body and your mind?
I'm trying to work out (even if only for 15 minutes) and get outside on most days. I'm also giving myself permission to stay inside and on the couch some days, without beating myself up about it. We're in the middle of a crisis. We're scared and grieving and trying our very best to make sense of something that is completely unknown. So, I'm giving myself the same grace I give others here.
Q: What is the first thing you want to do when this is all over?
Hug friends. Hold and kiss babies. Get back in a rehearsal room.
Another self-care expert, Allison Strickland (actor, painter, healer), weighs in.
Q: How are you filling your days?
Painting, reading up on astrology (a hobby I’ve always loved), listening to different talks...loving Jack Kornfield and Tara Brach right now, talking to my mentor, and talking to my Mom. And just finished The Artist's Way! But I also don’t want to give this the false ring of hyper-productivity; every day feels VERY different, some are hard, frustrating, moody, tear-filled, some are more quiet, gentle, and peaceful, I am practicing letting it all exist. I do notice how much better I feel eating home-cooked meals though, that is a bright side!
Q: How are you staying creative?
I notice I’m just experimenting more. Not creating to produce necessarily. Doodling, sewing, feeling a bit like when I was a kid, just pleased with creative activity.
Q: What is bringing you hope?
My spiritual practices, art and artists, poetry, the birds outside, the resiliency of children, rest and learning the benefits of more slowness.
Q: How are you taking care of your body and your mind?
I have been slacking a bit on the body. I actually am not finding a lot of peace from too much online activity, but I keep putting on yoga pants and hoping they stretch themselves haha. I am taking herbs though, teas like dandelion + oatstraw, and some tinctures. Mind--writing my morning pages, sitting for tea (ceremony, not herbal, which is a really helpful moving meditative practice). Trying my best to reinvigorate my seated meditation practice, it’s been tougher than normal, but trying to keep showing up! Talking to loved ones also helps. And also trying to not let my old busy-ness be replaced by tech busy-ness.
Q: What is the first thing you want to do when this is all over?
I just want to be in nature and hug my friends and family again, talk to strangers, a dinner outside with some live music sounds divine! Honestly, I don’t believe there will be an all “over”, I think we’re moving toward something new and I hope that whatever that is is more peaceful, more balanced, and more connected.
Casting Director at X Casting NYC, Victor Vazquez.
Q: How are you filling your days?
My days are filled with lots of quiet moments. Instead of feeling like walking through water, I'm adjusting my mind to experience this as a liberation of sorts. I'm moving freely within the confines of my own small NY apartment.
Q: How are you staying creative?
People, in general, are giving me hope. I believe that in moments of terror, fear and true deep-challenge we see the grit and resilience we are capable of, yes, but we also see compassion and the elastic and wonderful kindness we are capable of. The threads of connectivity are exposed, we are all so interconnected, and it's awe-inspiring to see how we are all so aware of this and how we are collectively ensuring that the most vulnerable threads in the fabric of our networks require our attention and care.
Q: How are you taking care of your body and your mind?
I'm rejecting a lot of things right now, like having to hustle for my worth. I'm employing this idea of PERMISSION SLIPS. I'm giving myself permission to say I don't want to talk to people, I don't want to be on a zoom call, I don't want to explain my emotions right now, I don't need to look at my email this week, I don't need to produce anything right now. I'm also extending those permission slips to other people. I think we are collectively navigating a moment of extended trauma and we should not attempt to continue business as usual. This moment should give us pause. We need to surrender to the challenge we are all in together and start by how we can support one another in our collective survival and care.
Q: What is the first thing you want to do when this is all over?
I want to sit outside and I want to walk on the grass barefoot towards the table in a friend's backyard for a community meal.
And lastly, we have Director and Casting Director Jeffrey Lo, who still has a job!
Q: How are you filling your days?
I am fortunate to still have my job as casting director at TheatreWorks Silicon Valley. With that, we are coming up with different plans on how we will continue depending on how this pandemic develops. Outside of my work, I have been taking this time to reset myself physically and mentally in a way I did not make time for before. When not working, I’m getting to spend more time cooking, taking walks and playing games.
Q: What is bringing you hope?
What is bringing me hope is hearing what everyone misses during this shelter-in-place period. Community. Human contact. Our friends. Our family. It gives me hope to think that once this is all behind us, we will be able to value these things more than we did before. I think that’ll help make the world and our lives much better.
Q: How are you taking care of your body and your mind?
I keep working to remind myself that I’m in a position much more fortunate than others. I do hold a great deal of fear and grief over the devastating ramifications of COVID-19 and the loss of life surrounding the pandemic but, on a personal level, I’ve found myself in a place of privilege, in that I am able to financially and emotionally withstand this. That might all change as this continues longer but, for now, I remain grateful.
Q: What is the first thing you want to do when this is all over?
I’m going to visit my family who I haven’t been able to see since this started. Definitely that. I hope to share a meal with them. Maybe cook them something new I learned to cook.
Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU to all my amazing friends and colleagues who shared their ideas with me. With us. If you want to check in with yourself about where you are during this quarantine, here are the questions:
1. How are you filling your days?
2. How are you staying creative?
3. What is bringing you hope?
4. How are you taking care of your body and your mind?
5. What is the first thing you want to do when this is all over?
Leave us a comment below with your answers, I’m sure people other than me are looking for new ideas.
Be safe. Be healthy. Be smart (stay home) and don’t apologize for your needs. See you on the other side.
Last Updated: September 19, 2023
